Dungeon's Vacation Post

[b]
[b][url=http://khmm.boards.net/user/165]Dungeon (Sora)[/url][/b]
[i]Mental Health[/i]
[u]May 30th[/u]

REASON EXPANDED

As you all are aware, I went from HYPER activity to ONE POST in the month. I got to share the MoTM award with TAPIR.

It started last year working an overnight front desk job skirting by on cleaning and then looking at memes when that was done. Chill, cool, making a small income. But in the fall something happened that really started to dampen my life. I fainted. Blacked the hell out before work and had that night off so I started looking at my physical health and it's not great but hey, just one time. Urgent Care says I'm physically fine.

Fast forward through feeling incredible "meh, neutral, inattentive, lack of focus" into the winter and I've really lost focus on my job which was fine and normal. Then in January it happened. My first ever major depression episode. For one hour I trying really hard not to listen to intrusive suicidal thoughts. Everything around me became a possible tool for my own demise. Why would I want that? I DON'T. It was terrifying to experience suicidal thoughts and have no control over them what so ever.

I took a week, a full week, off of overnights and felt a little better. In control again. But I never improved. I wanted to return to being "me." Not the mushy pudding that my brain became. I thought it was a physical problem up until that point. Yes and no.

Fast forward to march of last month. I quit my job. I couldn't focus on cleaning because I lived in fear of depression. For a whole month I've been job hunting and looking and feeling so terrified of working that I quit a factory job on the first day, skipped an interview, and really really been bad with money management (the 100 or so dollars that I've spent on fast food in a month is sorely missed now). Im not in peril though. But I am straining my marraige. She's hard working and makes great money but my joblessness, inattentiveness, and my depression are not the person she married.

So last week I went to a therapist covered under her insurance. She hasn't diagnosed me. In our hour talk we just set up potential meetings in the future about goals, what Cognitive Behavior Therapy is and can do, just set up. It was a step in the right direction. Going over how depression was hurting me she had the right understanding of its many mechanisms. So doing exactly what learning, experience, and skill has trained her to do, she pulled out a two paper test for ADHD.

Those can be related?

YES AND THEY TANGLE LIKE A HAIRBALL IN THE SHOWER PIPES.

I have ADHD and that means I have hyper focus in certain areas and inattentiveness in many other areas. In stark contrast to my wife, to the many people I know, to the "normal" that I wasn't.

I thought I was broken. That's not at all true.

I'm just not working optimally for the way my brain is built. It's a different operating system that can't be cured because it's a different type of brain. I have different parameters and limitations. I have a different set of weaknesses than normal... no. Typical brains.

So in adults with ADHD that don't know the have it and have never treated it, there can be a gradual build up of stress. That stress can come from ANYTHING. EVERYTHING. ALL THE THINGS.

Didn't brush my teeth this morning. STRESS. DIDN'T FOLD LAUNDRY? STRESS.

And it doesn't matter when it was rolled into the stress ball. It's there somewhere as a clump or blob or glue that is not helping the nerve-transmitters in my brain.

Going without, without using the ADHD prescribed coping SKILLS, I've failed my brain. I havn't taken care of it in the way it needs. I've god ADHD induced depression which is a whole other ballpark of depression. Suicidal thoughts aren't because I'm sad. It's because I'm not feeding my brain.

There could also be other problems. I could be anemic with low iron (so I'm taking Iron, vitamin D and B supplements because I probably lack those things anyway). I could have genetic predisposition. My dad is depressed but he has his reasons (his life was/still kinda is a HOT FIERY HELL) and my mom (while kind hearted and well intended) is frankly stupid and can't think critically about what is real and what is a conspiracy written by the worst kind of people.

So between them I've got A LOT to consider. I do know, after only a week of looking at ADHD videos, articles, and looking at my habits and way of thinking (JUST LOOK AT MY WRITING OMG), I have ADHD.

Let's be real. I haven't started to understand the complexities of this condition. I feel like grieving over not being normal but I also feel enlightened because I don't have to be normal. There's no normal. There's different people in this world and we're all our own person.

SO, THE VACATION.

I've posted like 1... 2 posts this MONTH.

THIS WHOLE GOSH DARN DIDDLY-DO-HOWDY-NEIGHBOR MONTH.

I'm not OK with that. I've been looking for a new job and that's consumed 75% of my time. But I've also been working on other creative projects than being here. I can't focus myself on KHMM. That's not ok. I feel like a total douche, betraying you all and betraying SORA whom I adore. He's not ADHD (probably...) so it doesn't feel right that I plague him with my issues. That's only putting my problems on you guys, forcing you all to deal with a character misrepresented. If played at all.

So I'm taking a month to devote my time to learning about ADHD while also looking for jobs, and letting my brain destress a bit even from the things I love: role playing, DMing for D&D and other things, uh writing... hmm drawing... aspiring to be an artist really... ETC.

I've got a long road ahead of me. My journey begins in the dead of night. My road won't be easy, but a rising sun awaits this journey's end.

I'll be on discord. PM ME WITH PLOTS. But just know it'll be ANOTHER MONTH before I touch them.
Thank you.

All of you.
May your hearts be your guiding key,
Dungeon.